It was a seemingly non-eventful moment in life, while driving in my car a few weeks ago when a bit of clarity hit me.
“I’ve been waiting for so long, for a miracle to come… Everyone told me to be strong. Hold on and don’t shed a tear.”
Recognize those words? Well if you don’t, it’s time to get real with your inner cheese ball side and listen. Cause there’s some good stuff to be heard and felt.
But, although I had heard this song at least a thousand times, my profound clarity came from a feeling and not the words you just read.
Ahhhhh. This is one of the many steps into finding a true Acceptance of myself.
That Celine Dion can sure belt it out. “A new day…….haaaaaaass…….Come….” You know it and you wanna sing it.
The Def Leppard, Cindy Lauper, Dixie Chick, Neil Diamond, Celine Dion, top 40hits, cover band loving crazy chick inside of me that said I really do love this damn song!
Yep. I do.
And it’s ok if no one else understands the pure joy of shamelessly singing Celine Dion at the top of their lungs on a summer morning, in a VW bug with the windows all down. Because for someone like me, who lived most of my life waiting on the world to tell me who I am, what I should be, and what I should like, took a stand for her self and owned something out loud she loves to herself. (now you 😉)
To most, this may seem like a really minimal silly victory. But in my life it says volumes of how far I have come. Because for me, and many others like me it’s about living in the now, and realizing how special moments of peace can be. Clarity just keeps coming and it’s amazing. I’m just bursting with new stories to share. That’s what this blog is going to focus on.
But I do think it’s important to share some bits along the way of what brought me to here -today.
Although it’s been a life long really, my story, my journey of true healing and acceptance began just a decade back. From the outside looking in I looked like a woman who had it pretty good. 31 years old, 3 spectacular kids, and although we struggled to accomplish financial success without college degrees, we finally had figured out a way to buy own our home. Thank you to the bubble bursting housing market that gave everyone loans. 😬
To celebrate our 10 year anniversary we decided to throw the wedding we never had. My husband Mike and I renewed our vows in October of 2006. I had the cake, the hall, the pastor, my kids, family and friends. I finally had my day. I had gotten everything I thought I wanted out of life. Now it was time to just live. Raise our family, have fun, and grow old together.
But in the few short months following, in April of 2007 I collapsed. I couldn’t breathe. I was on my stairs, head in my hands and thinking I was really going to die. Mike came home to my frantic inconsolable struggling with heart pain and palpitations. He didn’t know why I was so weak, and so scared. He didn’t know about all the starving, the purging, and the boxes of laxatives I was ingesting on a daily basis.
What he knew was I worked out a lot because I struggled with body image. What he knew was I struggled with depression because of a multitude of experiences I had in my past. But what he really didn’t know was if I didn’t get serious help I was literally going to die. That after engaging in serious eating disorder behaviours since I was 12, my then 31 year old body was turning on me. My body was saying enough is enough and my mind was screaming why are you even doing this???!!
So it was that day in April I finally got real and said I needed help. That was the beginning that led me to today. I signed myself self into Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital and began the journey of change and healing. The photo below is one of my original notes from my very first process group. I haven’t looked at it since.
It’s a lot to read. It’s wonderful to know that I have survived most of this and although I have had a lot of relationship casualties along the way, the ones who are here by my side today understand that this process doesn’t happen over night. That grace saves people.
That change and healing happens by taking 10 steps forward and 9 steps back. And sometimes the steps are huge, and other times they are found in a song while driving to work.
My recovery journey as my life has not been a straight line. It has been a crazy rollercoaster of tears, heartache, drama, and lots of hurt. Digging up memories to figure out the whys and how’s have been the best and worst part. People dont get that hurt people can hurt people. Hurt on my part and hurt for those in it with me. That eating disorders or any addictive behavior is just an effect of the real issues. But unless I crossed this bridge first I would have never gotten to today.
Thank God I’m still here. I felt ashamed for quite sometime that I had to enter a treatment facility to regain my life. But it saved my life and opened the door to learning how to live. Shame stole so much from me. It even tried to steal my recovery. But I am grateful for it all and especially for today.
To anyone who reads this. Thank you for joining me on this new beautiful journey.