Experiences that continue to manifest themselves over and over like a merry go round, I now believe are just necessary lessons for me that I have not yet learned.
Because I have personally experienced true victories, I know its by going through it head on and really understanding it.
For some people it takes just once, for others it can take a lifetime. I’m really hoping that this particular struggle I’m writing about today is not something that will take me a lifetime.
We women can be great actresses. We are definitely strong, smart, and gifted. But many of us deep down are truly lonely.
In our world today, social media, reality tv, women’s Christian ministry, they all have a way now to project publicly to the world what they are all doing together and remind those who don’t share in this blessing – what we are missing.
For me and many like me, female relationships can be dramatic, intimidating, and full of conflict if we have never truly experienced the love and safety of a really good friend.
Today I’m finding it necessary for my own well being as a woman to seek out more relationships with like minded women.
I have been really working on looking within myself to focus on who I am as a woman and what I can bring to the table.
I really do believe that true sisterhood can exist. Even for the “complicated” mind like me.
Some of you might be reading this and have absolutely no problem in this area. You my friend are truly blessed.
I on the other hand, well….
I used to believe that God had it out for me. Especially in this department. I believed he picked and chose certain people to bless and certain people to suffer. It’s pretty easy to see things this way when you have been deeply wounded by people.
But I know that is a complete lie.
The Lord created me to be just as special as he created everyone else. We all matter and though we all won’t get along there are people out there that will “get” us. It’s finding them and knowing when they are there, that’s the key!
I know that God gave us the world, and he also gave us the opprotunity to make choices here as well. Terrible circumstances that have happened and been completely out of our control most times can still somehow be traced back to the choice of another human being. Not God like most would like to think. We are all broken in ways that can and will affect others.
It’s not God hating us, it’s us hating us.
However today, there is something so beautiful about this journey of learning and facing my own hard lessons. Looking into the mirror as I have, has not been easy. But it it has brought much clarity and understanding.
Today I’m choosing to look at something really closely. I admit I’m on a girlfriend merry go round that unfortunately I’m still riding and really want off.
Over the past few weeks I have done a lot of soul searching and figured out I do have a choice in this. That I am a really great person, and I don’t have to be a victim of toxic or selfish people. But on the flip side, I do really need to change the part of myself that expects everything to look or feel a certain way in order to believe it can work out.
Fear. Trust. Insecurity.
These are the evil 3 that I have not only allowed to rule over my feelings and reactions in most of my relational experiences, but they also eventually destroyed many of them.
I have a choice.
I can choose to look fearfully at every friendship through the eyes of my 6 year old self who was once punched in the stomach for absolutely no reason by a girl in a white dress with the blue embroidered tulip on it wondering why she didn’t like me or I can decide to remember her as the one who was screwed up.
I can choose to discard the memory of a preschool teacher who wouldn’t ever allow me to use the restroom when I needed to on several occasions but instead allowed me to wet myself during naptime and would then shamed me for it after.
And I have the power and courage today to share my story of the day I told a female relative about what her son and a boyfriend of her daughter had done to me.
The day she called an 8 year old a liar and told her to never mention it because it would ruin the family. I can choose to say she should have protected me but she didn’t but I have power now. I’m not 8 anymore.
Those memories of shame seeping into every part of my being from these days forward have changed me just as much as the abuse itself. Memories that told this girl to build some big strong walls against men yes and even women. Memories that have kept me alone.
I ask myself all the time, do I even want a best girlfriend now?
I’m 40 years old. The thought of even trying to intentionally seek out women who have already established friendships from a childhood I probably can’t relate to is scary and daunting. To think I could be possibly rejected again?
10 years ago I would have said hell no.
Do I really want a best friend?
True Answer is:
I already have one. I’m married to him.
I’m a woman that has girl stuff that I would like to talk about that is completely irrelevant to him.
So yes. I would. There are things about myself that I have never experienced because I haven’t given this part of me a real chance to see it through.
Good thing is, I’m on my way to being whole.
Healthy, beautiful, fun, spiritual, friendships with women are all part of that. As a momma of a daughter and being a daughter of a momma, yes I have had my moments of special girl times.
But now I’m ready to take a chance on learning more from women like me. Because I do believe someones out there. I cannot be the only one feeling this way.
I also believe that all people serve a purpose in our lives at the time they are in our life. Even if it’s temporary. Some are in our lives always, some will come back and forth, and some won’t ever come back.
I understand this now. I’m okay with this.
I’m also willing to make the choice to trust that God has got my back in this. Being in a much healthier place than I ever have been, seeing the world through eyes I have never seen before, I know I’m ready.
My female friendship merry go round hasn’t exactly stopped yet, but with every relational conflict and struggle, I’m coming to understand more whys so I can learn more how’s.
I know this for a fact. God didn’t create me to be alone in this. He also doesn’t play favorites and choose certain people to bless, it’s all ours for the receiving.
We just need to be open to it.
So with my palms up, my arms wide, and my heart open, I will make choices that will no longer include expectations based on my past memories.
I will choose to look forward to the possibilities of what true friendships can really bring into my life and have faith that God wants this for me.
I’m also ready to start having some fun. 😉