I have been doing this 21 day fix workout plan for well, 30 days now. Wait what you ask?!?
I should be almost at 42 days. Yep your right, I should.
I got sick. I got insanely busy at work, and I went into survival mode again. Work is a must and without your health in check you can’t work. So here I am starting over again.
It’s not easy to admit that this is a continual issue for me and I had a feeling this blog would be coming because I am not perfect. Whether it be my fitness mindset, my work organization goals, or in my relationships with others, it seems at one point or another(well for me at least) starting over (and over) is just something that’s goes with the territory in a day in the life of me. I honestly hate to admit this here.
I really, really want to be the best me I can be. I think it all begins with being honest. Honest with others and mostly with myself.
Life’s roads are not straight and narrow all the time, I mean look I’m here again. There’s twists and bends, loops that keep you in the same place for awhile until you get the courage or motivation to get off, and there’s always a fork in the road for us to choose at some point.
I am however, super tired of life’s complications when I finally get momentum. There’s always a flipping bump in the road. Argh!!!!! I mean I just made this video.. Cause this is where I’m at with things and my recovery…really I am healed and so good.
But again, there are days that followed moments after this video that made me want to take my family and just move away from it all. It’s not like life isn’t hard on its own, let’s now throw difficult relationships with others into it. I read somewhere God will continue to place specific people in your life that challenge you because he is molding us to be like him. Well I must keep failing the test because the same scenarios keeps repeating themselves. Or on a positive note he knows my insight changes people … Whatever the case I’m exhausted. This weeks sermon at my church was about compassion. Compassion for those whom may not believe what I believe. Compassion for those who do not understand things the way I do. I never really thought about it until recently but it is easier to have compassion for those we understand isn’t it? Compassion is easy for those we love, for those we really know and get. For those who are like us.
But is that the true compassion God wants for us as people? Was that Jesus’s compassion?
In these times, just take this 2016 election circus as an example, the divided nation is making it extremely challenging and difficult to be compassionate and understanding on all sides of the fence. People are hurting, there are terrible human injustices happening daily, and I do believe at the core whether your independent, socialist, democrat, or republican we all want a better world for ourselves and our children. We are fighting about what that looks like for US personally and OURSELVES are the problem.
I struggle every day trying to make the best choices, the right choices. Choices that can sometimes leave compassion completely out because I may not understand the other side quite as much as I should.
But if I claim to be a Christian, if I say I’m a follower of Jesus, I must not only try. I must change my thoughts about those not like me. Everyday I must try look at others differently and seek ways to an understanding. Even learning about those who have hurt me. Because true understanding I know will bring peace. That is the only way to true peace with others. I see for myself. Once I felt heard in my story my heart began to heal. That’s it. We all want to be heard. We all need to feel heard.
It’s not surprising that I personally struggle with compassion for others I don’t know since I am just now learning to have compassion for myself. To not mentally beat myself up for not being able to be or do everything I think or the things this world says I should be.
I’m honestly so tired. And still sick. 4 weeks of bronchitis has broken me a little. Stupid.
This season always brings on a multitude of emotions for me. Many prominent memories good and bad have happened in this month. Add on the crap spewed on TV and FB everyday, it has got my brain wanting to just close myself off from everything and everyone.
The more I am figuring out who I am, and how to be, the more I realize how protective I must be with myself right now. I must be careful with my words, my interactions, and my choices right now in this season.
Because the brain is an amazing complicated thing that just glimpse of colored light hitting the walls just so, or a persons tone of voice as they walk by talking on the phone, or a subtle whiff of the faintest smell of something could spark a memory, a feeling and sometimes a reaction from my past as if I were living in it right now. Can’t allow that anymore. I may have been a loop de loop for a few weeks but this train will no longer derail. Ain’t got time for that.
Ive come so far. I’m so much more aware of these things now and I proud to say that right now I taking a break from this world. I must diligently guard my heart right now. For whatever that means for me.
Whether that means being quiet, laying low, and doing whatever it takes to just keep going. That’s all I can do.
The 21 day fix plan will be there for me to keep working at, my house will always need cleaning, people will get their photos on time and tomorrow truly is another day.
The only thing that matters right now is this.
The rest …. Will take care of itself if I keep those things as my priority.
For today, I need to say this to anyone reads this, I need HIM you need HIM. God. Jesus. Nothing else.
Without knowing that there is something bigger out there for me and my family than this messy, unstable, inconsistent, dishonest, violent world, I wouldn’t be able to keep going. If it weren’t for God I wouldn’t have the will to seek compassion for those I don’t understand.
Thank you God for continuing to bring these matters into my life. Whether I like it or not, your will is perfect and always for my good. I’m learning – everyday. Never give up.