Whenever a new year starts I find myself craving change. I truly love change. Switching things up keeps it fresh. It’s funny cause I married a man who loathes change. But the past few years he hasn’t had a choice but to get used to it.
Lots of life has went down.
Because of that fact alone, the girl who loves change actually isn’t so excited about change right now either. So I only have one goal for this year.
To just be ME.
The difference is only…
is to be the BEST me I have ever been.
I’ve been doing a lot of hard work. That along with all the hard work God has been doing in me over the past 10 years, I’m ready for my outside appearance to match the strength that has developed within me. 💪🏻
It is true, regardless of how much we try to pretend we are okay, our physical body eventually WILL reflect what’s really going on mentally and emotionally.
I don’t think I ever wrote this about myself before.. but here I go… you know what?!? I’m a pretty strong chick. 💪🏻 🐤
After spending years writing about how broken I have been because of past memories I hadn’t been able to make sense of, today I’m living in the comfort of God’s hope and true healing.
If your reading this today please don’t get turned off by my saying this. It’s the truth.
Healing from emotional hurts and past trauma can really happen. Even from the hardest of circumstances.
I’m living proof.
And after years of getting to this place and working on my inner being, I’m finally ready and equipped to really mentally focus on fitness and health.
So I started working out.
Anyone who has followed me knows that I’ve been down this road a few times the past few years.
But in case you didn’t know, this is really my year. And what most of you don’t know is that I have a gift for finding meaning in things that most people wouldn’t.
For example, my birthday is on the 28th and it’s 2018 so… 2-8?!? So it’s definitely my year. 😆sorry I digress…
At this point, I’m not holding myself to any other rules EXCEPT to show up and do my absolute best when I get there.
The rest will follow.
(Like eating better)
What prompted this life/MIND change you ask?
1.Today I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest.
2. I never have been 42 before and it seems a week of slim fast no longer makes me slim or does it fast.
3. My cooking less & eating out more than I should is not good.
4. Stress from work and the terrible fact that when I’m not shooting a client, I’m sitting or standing still in front of a computer & editing for hours at a time.
5. I’ve been really tired and I’m too young to feel like total dog crap every day.
It’s all just taken it’s toll. Especially on my arms and the width of my butt.
Food and fitness shouldn’t ever be an idol. But its always a fine line for a recovered bulimic. It seems whether I’m eating a lot of it or none of it… it has always consumed my thoughts. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be completely normal with food. But what I can say is I am better than I have ever been. #progress
I wish I could say to you that my new found motivation to become healthy came because I KNEW the way I have been living was not optimal.
But it wasn’t.
I’ve been in denial about what’s been going on with me for awhile. I haven’t wanted to face the fact that I would have to once again step up and do one more thing for myself. I’ve done so much work already. Can’t I catch a break?!?
I’m freaking tired.
(Cue the violins) Now the first thing I did before I realized working out was going to be a catch all medicine for my recent ailments, I just assumed … I must be dying.
So I went to the doctor. I started with my General. They asked me all kind of questions and ran all kinds of tests.
Then I went to the Gyno. They asked me all kind of questions and ran all kinds of tests.
Clean bill of health. But still felt like crap.
I met with an endocrinologist. Ran even more tests. Healthy as a freakin horse.
There was only one conclusion after all that research that I just didn’t want to face.
Seriously?!? That’s it?
he truth. No magic pill fixed my mind about my life and there isn’t a magic pill to get in shape and feel better either.
So my journey began.
I made the decision privately and started Dec 31st. Our kids were on winter break so we brought them with. I rowed for 30 minutes and lifted.
Sadly my motivation was already slipping. So the 2nd week I decided to try a few group classes again. I’ve never been a good self motivator and when I did workout in the past, group fitness had been my go to. I just have been weary of working out with others since I feel like I’m not in shape enough to get into shape with others.
But this is something I will change about myself. It’s not easy but it’s a choice I’m willing to make regardless of my insecurities.
One of the first classes I tried was called “Barre”.
Sculpting movements like a ballerina. I really wanted to like this class. But a past Foot surgery and having to bear weight on a foot that has 4 metal screws permanently in them was excruciating. I’m pretty tough but this class wasn’t going to work. I was bummed for sure.
So I decided to take a cross-fit class for the first time.
This was my hardest class yet. For more reasons than you’d think. Yes, I had muscles screaming at me for days that had never been moved before. I was sore in places I didn’t know I could be sore.
But my biggest hurdle with this class wasn’t the work out. It was me. The 9:15am class was more crowded than I expected. Now, I once was a young stay at home mom who worked out too. And things haven’t changed too much except I’m no longer a young mom and todays young moms look nothing like I did 21 years ago. Dang they are in ridiculous shape. Even when I was in shape my body never looked that good. Flashback moment of myself at Miss Geri’s. Comparison kills the spirit in EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.
Comparing. Worst thing I can do.
My life is my life. Different from anyone else’s. This body carried 3 beautiful healthy thriving human beings and still carries me daily with full health to be able to do all the things I can.
I need to be grateful.
So I let go of my insecurities and kept taking classes.
It’s been a week since that particular cross fit class and no I’m still not walking normally but I finished it. I plan on trying it again once a week and not comparing myself to others in it. Just focusing on my progress.
I’m happy to say though that over these past few weeks I have found a class I really like and will do more than once a week.
The class is hard.
The instructor goes by the name Dr. Sweat (Rod) and he never disappoints. This kickboxing/sculpting class is pretty intense. But for me beating up a punching bag has its benefits in more ways that one. #stressless
I’m finding my way. Slowly but it’s a process. I’m okay with that now. It’s not a race it’s a lifestyle.
And I not giving up.. ever.