A day of rest, a day of worship, a day of fellowship, a day to repent, a day that for many years of my Catholic life, I didn’t think much about unless it was Christmas or Easter.
However, I will admit,that I have always sought to know God and all that he was on a deeper level. I was always drawn to the faith & hope that there really was something bigger and better out there. I wanted to believe that “someone or something” knew the real me inside, loved the real me, and that there could be someone I could talk to when I felt alone.
Although I no longer practice the Catholic faith, I will be forever grateful for the foundation laid in my heart of who God was. In my personal experience, Catholism distracted me from the true meaning of the Gospel by the church keeping their traditions and rituals at the forefront of everything. It wasn’t until I went to a bible based evangelical style non denominational church where I was taught by a “normal guy” (pastor) in normal clothes reading straight from the bible that I even learned what all those traditions even were for!
But regardless, I always knew God was “up there” and for whatever reason I never questioned it.
I just never did.
Even throughout my painful experiences. I never really blamed God. I did wave my fist in the air a lot and curse sometimes. I have been angry with God and how he has allowed things to go for me. But I just never lived a moment thinking he doesn’t exist. It’s like I always knew him. Even when I didn’t always feel him in my life.
The only questions I ever had of him were why can’t HE just take me with him? Take me out of my messes and can’t I just get wings like an angel and fly away? Because my self worth had been so beaten down growing up, I didn’t even question why he let people hurt me so much, I just question why he made me at all.
Why did I even exist?
A question I asked HIM many times throughout my life. As I grow in my healing process that question and it’s answer has been slowly revealing itself to me.
Without my hitting those dark levels of brokenness, I’m not sure if I’d ever truly look to God at all. I’d still be trying to fix everything on my own. That day on my stairs I mentioned 2 blogs ago, was the beginning of learning to surrender all. My battle to release of control of my life that I never had control of anyway, and the day I started to listen more, and say less.
God has always been with me. Through all of it. But he wanted me to be in it with HIM. It’s hard for some to wrap your mind around that, I know. It wasn’t until today I could really understand things this clearly my self. But what my plea is for anyone who is struggling, anyone who feels alone, anyone who doesn’t think they matter at all.
I’m not a pastor or a psychologist. I still swear a lot , wrestle with being selfish, jealous, self centered, judgemental, critical, and I even miss church on many Sunday’s. There really is absolutely no reason anyone should think I’m an upstanding representative for God. I mess up way more than probably most who don’t believe in God.
Yes I’m extremely flawed and will be forever a work in progress. But you know what my faith in God and his son Jesus says about all that I’m not? It’s says no matter what, I’m loved and forgiven and that I CAN change. That I was meant for so much more.
That He KNOWS everything about me. He knew me before I existed. Memorizing Psalm 139 in the NIV bible was a turning point in my life. It took me now 2 years to finally believe it, but I now do.
If there is anything I can leave you with today- Sunday June 26, 2016, is to give faith a chance.
Hope was found when I finally gave up the idea that my life would look anything remotely like I thought it should. Our lives and whatEVER they have been, do not define who we are. God says we are HIS. God is love. God is light. If we are his, we are both love and light. Even if we cannot see that in ourselves, HE CAN. He will use our broken, screwed up, messes to connect with the world and to further his kingdom.
To God be the glory.